U-Scan

Title: U-Scan
Purpose: Expose Non-Independent Thought

How many people think the U-Scan was the greatest invention in the world?  I personally love it as a means to avoid a couple things that I just hate about shopping:

- Social Butterfly: why should I have to be sociable when they’re ringing me up?  The person who is ringing me up just feels the need to ask how I’m doing because it’s what they always do.  Do they really want to know how I’m doing?  NO!!  They don’t really care about how I’m doing or what I’m doing!!!  Just as much as I do not want to find a way to calculate how long it’s going to take them to ring me up, so I can figure out how long I’m going to have to drag on a fake conversation until I can leave.  To make it worse, with some, I have to also calculate the additional down time for when they stop ringing me up for the purpose of having the conversation.  Really?  I’m here primarily to buy stuff.  I’m ok with the silence while they ring me up!!

- The Awkward Buy:  How do you buy an embarrassing product all on its own.  Don’t tell me you can just put a whole big jug of miralax on the conveyer belt by itself!!  You can’t.  You can just see the weird look the cashier gives you when you drop it on the counter for her to ring up.  No way.  So what do you do?  You do the same thing I do, admit it!!  You go get a few 2-liters of pepsi, a few candy bars, and a half gallon of ice cream to distract from the sole purpose of being at the store to buy that big jug of miralax!!

For these reasons among others, the U-Scan has saved my life!!!  Genius idea.  BUT, is the U-Scan for everyone?  Are you qualified to use the U-Scan?  let me give you a couple categories of people who I believe are truly NOT qualified to be using this amazing new technology:

- 12 Items or less: If you have to take your shoes off to count to 12, you do not belong in the U-Scan lane.  Seriously, it’s supposed to be a Quick and Efficient checkout method.  Listen to me:  if you have to start emptying the scale back into your cart before you’ve finished emptying your cart onto the scanner, you probably have more than 12 items, and you do not belong in the U-Scan lane!  So, if you find yourself in this situation, please do this:  1) put your items back into your cart, 2) push the cancel transaction button on the screen, 3) smack yourself in the face, and 4) go get in the regular line where the nice lady can ring you up in the more traditional method!

- Payment: When you’re all done scanning your items and it comes time to decide your payment method, on what planet do you think it’s ok to write a check at the U-Scan?  You realize that you’ve only scanned 4 items, right?  (If not, please see previous item)  Now, the ONLY cashier managing 6 U-Scan stations has to stop everything she’s doing and attend to you to help you pay with your check.  Almost as bad is the person paying cash.  I mean, seriously, who even uses cash anymore either?  If you must pay cash, please do not sort through your purse or wallet so that you can find the exact change after putting 8 crinkled $1 bills individually into the machine.  If you’re going to pay with cash, a single bill large enough to pay the total should be the only acceptable method here.  But, my recommendation is:  Swipe the card!  You’re in the 21st century now and nobody uses cash!!

- The line: Ok, for those who clearly do not know, the line at the U-scan works a little differently than most lines.  There is a GIANT sign in the middle of the U-Scan area that says “wait here for next U-Scan.”  What that means is this:  You should wait in a single formation line behind that sign, and when the next U-Scan opens up, the next in line goes to that machine.  It just kills me when I’m standing just behind the sign waiting for the next U-Scan to open up, and clearly someone else walks up and gives some kind of impression that they’re waiting behind 1 specific U-Scan.  Really?   Can you not see the giant sign in front of me?  The problem is, they leave just enough space to question the fact about whether or not they are in line.  So what am I supposed to do?  Say excuse me and ask them if they THINK they’re in line?  You can’t do that.  So you just stand there, and all you think about, as much as you try to fight it, is the nerve of that person to stand there thinking they are in line when they’re not.   You know you also can’t make any eye contact with them because that will start the conversation.  So after the 30 seconds that felt like 10 minutes, the person leaves the U-Scan, leaving the opening, in which case, fuming, you pretend you don’t know who is next by turning to the person there and saying, “oh, were you next?”  Seriously, if you don’t know how to properly stand in line at the U-Scan, you don’t belong there!!  There’s someone at the regular checkout just waiting to start a life-changing conversation with you.

If you think you may fall into any of these categories, then the designed intent purpose of the U-Scan was not made for you!!  It is for people like you that the stores continue to keep the REGULAR checkout lanes in full operation!!

So, Please, use them!!

THINK!